if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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