Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
