On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
