Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
