You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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