I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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