You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
