I heard we made out
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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