ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
