I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
