Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize