for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
