I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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