Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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