Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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