I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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