hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
