woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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