OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
