But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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