I am full of burrito and curiosity
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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