Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
