Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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