What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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