Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
