wrigley field is MILF paradise
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
