You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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