My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
