oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
