Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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