I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
