She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
