So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
