it's like iHOP with fire
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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