my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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