the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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