I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
