I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
