In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
