Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
