so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
