I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
