Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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