so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
