matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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