He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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