I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
