i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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