I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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