the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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