I haven't been this sober since birth.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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