So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
