There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize