last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
