I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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