in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
