dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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