How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
