No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
