I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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