Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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