It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
