i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
