he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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