My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
