no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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