so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
