i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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