I feel great
I just peed on a car
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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