So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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