That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Randomize
