I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
