Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
