When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
